26 July 2007

Best. Video. Ever.

If they had a way for me to translate this type of mind control into sofa sales, maaaan, I'd get sued a lot.

Other than the perverted nature of dropping a person into a complete nightmare, this is quite entertaining.

21 July 2007

Hopefully they don't call them "shit bricks"

It occurred to me today that if you worked in a ketchup packaging plant, you would probably never hear the word "ketchup" at work. Maybe at a brand new ketchup company, where the boss would say "time to make some ketchup packets!" and all the employees would regularly ridicule her for wasting time, with smarmy comments like "Oh, no mayonaise today?" and "When will we ever get around to making the cement packets?"

So I am--and was most of my lunch break today--deep in thought over what they do say in ketchup factories. Maybe ketchup packets are packets, ketchup bottles are bottles and tomatoes are tomatoes. I like to pretend they call ketchup packets "dope" (as in "let's sling {ketchup slang for 'make'} some dope"), ketchup bottles "benefits" (as in "if we keep up this pace, we'll produce enough benefits to finally get a healthcare plan!") and tomatoes "blood diamonds."

Everybody has to make it through the day somehow--thanks for helping me with mine, Arby's/Heinz.

19 July 2007

I've decide it's time to start reading again

I'm feeling a bit sick to my stomach; yes, my physical fitness is lacking, and I do feel a bit slovenly as my apartment dishevels in dust. But I feel as if I'm wasting time until I become middle-aged and fat and possibly married, probably to a disappointed partner with underachieving kids. I've been trying to figure out the logistics to owning a puppy--if it's possible, if it'd last longer than my fifth grade goldfish (dead after 3 days), if I'm able to murder if puppy poop gets on eeeeeverything. So mediocrity, and its slow tightening upon me, is showing.

There was a time I used to think playing a few games of FreeCell or Minesweeper would get my creative juices flowing enough to write; there were times when that was right. Most of the time it was just an excuse for doing real work, though, and here I am, showing how much free time I've wasted. Here's what I've come up with from the above, completely genuine, statistics:

-If every game of FreeCell takes about 1 minute (for simplicity's sake), I have wasted over 10,000 minutes of my life.
-or, in other terms, 167.95 hours.
-or, in a way, 6.9979 days.
-or, honestly, ONE FUCKING WEEK circling the drain.

If I would have applied that time, even in gradual amounts, to things less destructive, I could have:
-Ran/walked 33.59 marathons at a 5-hour pace.
-eaten 55423.5 hotdogs, consistently at world-record pace.
-blogged 671.8 times about how stupid Rachel Ray/you/Jim Belushi has acted to date.
-read The Great Gatsby 142 times.
-read the first seven chapters of James Joyce's Ulysses, and understood around half of it.
-completed one good, solid short story.

So as I overcome my nausea, and clear the FreeCell program from my computer, I remember why I don't smoke or shoot heroin--that's a lot of fucking chemicals over 10,077 minutes.

18 July 2007

What that saying...

Does anybody remember that show called "Come to Papa," and it starred Tom Papa, and he was always halfway smiling, so you thought he was either a bit slow or just really bad at having his own sitcom?

Steve Carell was on that show, I remembered the other night, as his TV boss (or something) named Blevin. And there was one show--because I seriously did watch the 4 episodes that ever aired--with Steve Carell talking to Tom Papa's papa (maybe), and I can't remember the punchline of the exchange, but it was soooo good. Here's the jist; respond if you know what it was:

Tom Papa's papa: Do I make myself clear?
Steve Carell as annoying boss: [something similar to "crystal," but not right for the situation and very punny]

These are the things I think about.