11 December 2007

in a quiet theatre while the end credits roll is the best time to voice your displeasure over what you just saw for less than six dollars

"Oh my God...that's it? They don't even catch him? That's the ending?"

I'm with you, Mr. Movie Opinionheimer. I thought we were watching "Lethal Weapon 6," too. You did seem quite serious in your critique, as the screen shows you clearly who wrote and directed the movie.

"Didn't the Coen brothers direct that funny Dumb and Dumber movie?" I can imagine you asking your wife in the car. It's a common mistake, but no--you're getting hung up on the brothers part.

"Why couldn't they just have had the sheriff shoot him when he was hiding behind the doorway?" You'll ask a few days later, as your terribly loud breathing--which you had during the entirety of our shared time together--begins to sound more labored with the strain of the movie's ending weighing heavy on your heart (and lungs and other breathing parts).

"Was it supposed to be a complex conclusion, not necessarily about the resolution, but more about the chase--and the realizations arrived at in that time?" You'll propose, after you see it win several awards over the winter months to come.

I can actually answer that last one: No--there's actually a sequel planned. There will be more money on the line, and a more satisfactory ending meant to give your mind peace.

07 December 2007

Why you no longer need to buy me a ukulele

This is the exact reason why I bought a ukulele: so I could play this song to impress all of my guests. I don't have guests, so technically they were as impressed as they were ever going to be, but now they're musically as impressed as ever too.

So, unless you want to buy me a different style of ukulele (I have a soprano, to match my singing voice), you can just move on to the toy piano, etc, etc.

01 December 2007

If you cannot buy me the world, consider these

I have the best wish list in the world, mostly because I buy myself all the expensive things, then contemplate all the cheapish ones for far too long. Also, superlatives and references to the world as a generalized whole (or a-hole…zing on somebody there) are going to be THE thing in all the social circles this upcoming election year.

1. A Toy piano
2. A ukulele
3. An electric razor
4. Art, or other things art aficionados collect.
5. Some sort of book shelf, or magical treasure chest
6. magical powers?
7. powerful muscles
8. a muscle shirt!
9. you. NAKERDS.

That’s about it.

If I were a political commentator—or just a handsome actor chosen to read lines—the next list would all beat out the toy piano. Also, these wishes are all read on my political commentator television show, which is required of anybody with an opinion-for-hire and the ability to read someone else’s lines:

1. Social reform—we all know what this means
2. Campaign reform—there’s totally problems, you guys.
3. Those allowable waste credit things (“I can pollute because I have four tokens!”) handed out in direct proportion with the amount of toxic sludge hot dogs each company’s board of directors can eat in twelve minutes.
4. A president (presented in a voice suggesting that, up until this statement, we haven’t had one. And then Al Gore comes out of the back, waving at the crowd, dead drunk and disheveled. He has a tin cup with “Social Reform—can ya hear me?” written on it, and my cohost [cohort????], Tucker Carlson, says something witty like “THAT’S ironic.” And the entire room still doesn’t know what the SR is, but plays along because he was right about the hot weather and stuff).
5. A fucking AIR CONDITIONER. (said exactly like it looks. And everybody’s still confused by the Tucker Gore fist-fight earlier that they brush off this wish as if it makes sense in the middle of winter)

And THEN a toy piano.